In these very trying financial times, it is not uncommon for individuals and families to run out of money and become desperate for financial help. Borrowing money from people they know is something most people dread, so they try everything possible and leave this option as the very last. Most people who borrow money are young and the most common person they go to for money is their parents. Lately however, even middle-aged and older people have felt the stress and strain of losing a job, depleting their savings, seeing their home equity vanish in thin air and they too become desperate and borrow money from family and friends.
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Families are the most typical places people go to in order to borrow money, yet family relationships are also the most sensitive to money matters. Adult children may see borrowing money as embarrassing and humiliating, after they finally achieved independence from their parents. Now the boundaries they set up with their families in the past - respect my privacy; don't pry; don't push; don't preach - no longer hold. Lenders may ask questions before deciding whether or not to help the person in need. Borrowers feel forced to disclose where their money goes, what they buy regularly, what they could do without... The balance of mutual respect, privacy and distance that previously existed between them is now being shaken to its core. Now dad, for instance, or an older sibling or a close friend may ask them very specific and detailed information about how they got to this place or why they have not found a job yet. They may feel entitled to give them unrequested advice about what they should do to improve their finances, where they should live, and so on. In other words, they are treated like children who still need to be guided and supervised.
At the other end, the person or persons who lend the money may also feel awkward. They may want to help, but find hard to discuss borrowing money with someone with whom they had a different kind of relationship. They wonder whether their relationship will remain the same, or if money will change it in some basic way.
Additionally, at times when a person, say a relative, asks for money, this situation can create tension with other members of the family. For instance, in a marriage the husband may want to help his younger brother who lost his job and is getting evicted if he does not find some money real soon. The wife, however, may feel quite differently. Helping her brother-in-law may tie up some money that had been ear- marked for a family vacation, for a new washing machine, or something special for the kids.
Is there a healthy way of dealing with these situations?
The most important thing to do is to keep clear arrangements, as much as possible. When you borrow money, make sure you offer a timetable within which you will repay your debt. Be frank: think about your situation and give yourself a realistic deadline for repayment. Don't make this deadline too tight, because you may not be able to achieve your goal. But even if you don't, it is often better to re-negotiate the deal than to leave arrangements about repayment open-ended. Write a contract if you can. Offer to pay interests. Make sure to say that you will work hard at preventing this transaction from affecting the relationship. Tell the lender that your relationship with them is very valuable to you and you will work your hardest to treat borrowing as a business deal, with expectations and obligations. Do not avoid this person after you get the money. Embarrassment and shame may push you to hide. However, if you avoid the other person, they may wonder about your intentions. Don't wait for them to ask you questions. Whenever there is an opportunity, make some comments about what you are doing to improve your financial situation. You don't have to report your progress to them blow by blow, but you may want to share as much as you are comfortable, so they are kept in the loop by you. All of this means that you now need to see borrowing money as part of your relationship with them, a part that you acknowledge, take seriously and handle responsively.
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